Isolation

Lately I've been pulling away from everybody. Seems to be that my favorite time of the day is when I'm on the bus early in the morning, Looking out the window listening to my ipod, Tuning out the entire world for that half hour. I enjoy being by myself, not having to talk or associate w/ a soul. & though I choose to be alone, i feel lonely and i'm not sure I like the feeling. I feel empty. I push away the one's I love most when I'm at this stage. & it's not fair. My bestfriend became just a girl I say hi to in the hallways of school, and I realized what I pushed away, and now we're back at the bestfriend stage. Somethings are just falling apart. Everything I worked so hard for, seems to be crumbling in my grasp and there's nothing I could possibly do to retain it. I'm going through a thousand a one emotions at the moment, and I don't know where any of them came from. I'm angry, I'm fucked up. The littlest things been getting on my nerves lately, and that tiny spark leads to a big explosion. I can't control my mouth, nor' my actions. I don't know what's going to happen next, but I know what has happened. No sense is coming out of the blog, but I choose to keep going. I feel like I lost numerous people, I've had so many people give up on me, and it's so much more than I can handle. I can't help but to believe I'm a fucked up individual. My grades are slacking so badly since last report cards. I feel extra stupid in math class, and the teacher adds on to that. That's the one class I know I'm not 'slacking' in, I just know I don't understand it. I fuck up my grades in a matter of a week. life's a big fucked up place and I'm just starting to learn the game, and my place in this 'game'. it's hard. it's terrifying. but i'll figure it all out.